Fuzzy Love

As Promised

A baby in a sweater:

Trellis is finally finished. I love this sweater. I knew I would; I wanted to knit it from the moment I first saw it, but I didn't really enjoy knitting it for some reason. Sure, there were gauge issues and yes, there was frogging, but it was more than that. Anyway, it's done now, it fits Olivia perfectly (with a smidge bit of room to grow), and I love it.

That's sweater number four for the year - woo hoo! - although I feel like I'm cheating since three out of four have been for the smallest member of our family. Oh well, the next few are for me, me, me! (Then I must make something for poor, under-represented Liam, and then maybe XL Mark).

And check this out:

Kelly brought Olivia some Baby Legs! I'd never heard of them before, but they are legwarmers for babies, soft and cute and more fun than tights. Olivia is pretty interested in them as she keeps pulling up her skirts to take a look (yeah, she's worn them two days in a row). They seem like great things to keep in your purse for when things get chilly, kind of like a sweater.

Of course I immediately thought that I could use some of the sock yarn that's languishing upstairs to make another pair. Gotta do something with it because I - prepare yourself - usually don't enjoy knitting socks. (I can hear the gasps: No!) Maybe because I wear through them too quickly? I don't know. Anyway, I do have some Koigu and some Fleece Artist, but I think they might be too scratchy for little baby thighs.

So for now I'm back to those little tiny needles (I'm actually almost up to the armholes now, but still, Easter isn't looking likely).

And thank you guys for your comments yesterday. I do always have faith in the good, whatever that means. But until yesterday I had honestly never thought about that as faith. Thank you.

On Faith

First of all, I do understand my posts have been a bit random lately. I know that when you show up here you never know if you'll see a baby in a hand-knit sweater or hear about a funeral. I'm sorry about that. I will tell you that I'm not expecting anyone else to die any time soon (that's a poor little joke, isn't it?). At the same the healing isn't anywhere near over yet.

I guess I need to figure out what this blog is about. I used to focus this writing on my kids since my mom read the blog - after all, its founding purpose was to keep distant family in touch - and I didn't want to upset her with details like my worry for her or Mark loosing his job (that was a while ago - he has another one now). But now this blog is becoming more like me, and I guess I'm a bit random. Well, my life is a bit chaotic at the moment. I expect it will settle down soon.

Anyway, about healing: I am not a person to whom faith comes easily. Or even at all. At least, not since I defiantly declared at fifteen that I was an atheist. I can't remember why (a trend amongst my peers maybe?), but it fit. And then I became more comfortable with agnostic, and that's where I've been ever since. Not believing in a single religous thing, but unwilling to commit.

My mom used to tell me that I would believe in God once I had my first child and I realized that such a perfect little being couldn't possibly come from my own body without help from a higher power. And Liam was born and I instantly fell in love, but no lightning bolt of faith hit. I was perfectly okay with that. I'm a science kind of girl. Not necessarily a "I believe in what I can see" person, but definately on the side of provable facts (including those on the life of Jesus, before any spin was put on it). Although when Liam asked recently where he came from, I had a hard time claiming all the credit for making him "in my tummy." The question really caught me off-guard and I obviously need to figure out what I believe before I can teach Liam and Olivia.

It isn't easy to be faithless. And it is tough when someone you love dies and you don't believe that they're safe in heaven, waiting for you to join them. So once Mom was sick, and I knew it was going to be tough, I really really tried to get some faith. Just a bit, so that I could carry on after my mom was gone.

And let me tell you, I tried. I read books. I soul searched. And I even went to a class on faith at my friend's church (they have such things). The people in that class looked at me with big eyes and greeted me with open arms (literally - I got hugged a lot). One of the teachers was a seminary student, so I asked him questions that I have always struggled with and he honestly and ernestly answered me.* But in the end, he said, some of the more difficult questions just require a little bit of faith. And that I didn't have.

Then Mom died. And so many good things - little and big - happened right after her death and I suddenly began to attribute them to her. Things like my friend Chantel, who never ever reads the obituaries (who does at 31), reading them on the day of Mom's wake. And even things like Mom's friend Jim getting the last plane before a storm on the day of her funeral. I honestly think that I could not handle the thought of her no longer being a force in the world. So maybe I got some faith as a survival technique.

For me having faith is still harder than not. It's totally irrational; I still have my doubts about God, that hasn't changed, but I feel like Mom is out there somewhere. Not just her "energy" or her being returned to nature or whatever, but the force that was Mom.

So now good things are happening to Jenn too. Amazing things, and there's more to come, I'm sure. She's never had a problem with faith, so this doesn't surprise her. As for me, I guess we'll see if this is just coping or if it will last.

I promise, there will be a baby in a sweater tomorrow.

* The other students in the class were mostly very sweet with me, although a few did begin to loose patience. Easpecially when I joked that "God Bless America" made no sense because why would God care about arbitrary political borders? That I would even form such a thought utterly flabbergasted the man sitting next to me.

Joe

Jenn's dad died this morning. As I said of my mom, it was a better world with him in it.

Katja

Olivia has a new sweater.

It's Katja! Man, what a quick knit. Really, just a few hours of knitting and one ball of yarn. And it's so damn cute, although Olivia was really against the whole idea of standing still for one second to have a picture taken, so I don't have any good ones. So just trust me, with her little pink-trimmed chinos and those espadrilles (eee!), she looks pretty stylin'.

Oh, and the drool. Don't forget the drool (fashion accessory #1 around here).

Anyway, I did write more about the creative pattern-following I employed for those who are interested.

I'm also this close to seaming up Trellis, so today or tomorrow we'll get some buttons and be through with it! The fact that I'm not through didn't stop me from casting on for something new. Of course.

Isabella from the Spring Knitty (three knitty patterns in a row, didja notice?). Now this sweater is a whole lotta knitting on itty bitty #3/3.25mm needles with tons of finishing work. When do you suppose it will be done? Never? Ever?

I'd like to wear it on Easter morning.

Hey, I hear laughing.

More Hard Stuff

I mentioned a few days ago that my friend Jenn is going through a hard time right now, but that hard time has now turned into a crisis. Her dad has cancer and is coming to the end of his fight. It's utterly dumbfounding that this is happening to her dad so soon after my mother's death (it's not like we just know each other; she's one of my very closest friends), but it is, and sickness and death just seem so close and real that, well, things are tough.

Thank god the kids aren't still sick (you know, with that little bug they had last week), because right now my brain could turn the smallest cough into many sleepless nights. In fact, last night I turned a dinner with friends into a lengthy discussion about shopping for grave stones. I'm not a lot of fun, really.

But I thought I'd provide (as a public service) some tips and tricks, so to speak, of what to do when a friend is going through this kind of a crisis. You know your friend best, so use your judgment. But it amazes me that some people don't have a clue what to do to help. Obviously you aren't capable of fixing the situation, but that doesn't mean you can't, if not make things better, make things a little less worse than they otherwise would be. I'm no expert, of course, and Jenn might not agree, but here goes:

1. Show up. Call. If you are afraid of saying the wrong thing, think about it for a while and send a card. Somehow these difficult situations send the most well-intentioned people into a prolonged absence from your life. Please don't be one of those friends.
2. Actually, this is part 1b. If someone you love looses someone that they love, GO to the funeral. If you're wondering, and an airplane ride isn't involved, you probably should.
3. If the friend has kids, particularly small kids, take them out for a while. Show those kids a half-decent time. Give the parents some time to be upset, impatient, and frantic when their kids are not around.
4. Bring food. It is very difficult to remember to eat, let alone put together a dinner, when in the midst of a crisis. Don't even ask - just bring it by.
5. I've said it before and I'll say it again: tell people really and truly how you feel about them. It helps. And it isn't even that hard.

As for what to say/what not to say: there isn't anything you shouldn't say as long as you are sincere. With the possible exception of "I know how you feel," which everyone knows about, and ANY mention of the behind-the-scenes funeral-home processes (you know who you are and no hard feelings).

Also, Liam's preschool teacher pointed me to a list of books about death to read with small children. It was helpful to us, although Liam doesn't really understand quite yet. But then he's so little, really.

Signs of Spring

Oh, and let's not forget:

Sorry for the crappy picture. I expected that Olivia would try to rip this off, but she was actually fascinated and quite pleased with it. So much so that she wouldn't stay still.

So, I imagine you're wondering, as Mark was, "Why would you knit a bikini for a toddler?" Well, it's not a bikini, it's the beginning of Katja (Mark also wondered, "Do all these sweaters you make have names?") and it is going to cover her belly button when all is said and done. I started it last night (while Trellis is blocking) and I am pretty sure it will be finished this evening. Sweet.

Still Icky, But Getting Better

It's still pretty icky around here. Of course Liam caught what Olivia had, despite our obsessive hand-washing and toting-around of disinfectant. So today she was all better and ready to play, while Liam was still camped out on the sofa. He's watching waaaay too much television (I swear, if I have to watch one more episode of Caillou I'm going to toss the tv out the front door. Backyardigans are still okay though.) And he's also rediscovered Popsicles: "Mommy, can I have one of dose with the stick that are wed [red] and have the snow on dem?" (They've been in the freezer since last summer and do, in fact, have snow on them.)

But we have a few things to look forward to.

First up: Friday girl's night out. Nothing too wild (come on), but there will be dinner and drinks involved. Mostly we're in this for the talking.

In less than two weeks, I'm taking the kids to Scottsdale to visit with Mark's parents. Mark will join us half-way through the week since he's used up every available vacation day but two. We're all looking forward to that. Especially now that I haven't been out of the house in one, two.....no, four days, some lying by the pool is in order.

And then, a surprise! My friend Kelly is coming to town! Just for a few days, in the middle of next week, but man, I can't wait to see her. Her husband has been traveling a lot, both for business and because of a family health crisis (now being managed), and has yet another business trip planned for next week. Rather than stay at home alone with her two little guys again, and knowing how difficult things have been here in Denver, she's coming for a visit. And when I say that things have been hard here, I'm also talking about our friend Jenn, whose father has cancer. He's in the hospital and is having a very hard time. So a visit from Kelly is like a happy present for both of us.

A Little of This....A Little of That

First of all, thanks to everyone who reassured me that I'd have lots of company in the yelled-until-a-small-child-cried area of hell (doesn't sound like one of the deeper levels, do you think?). Today was a much better day even though poor Olivia is still quite sick. Thankfully she's not throwing up anymore but she now has a middlin'-to-high fever. We talked to the on-call nurse and Olivia is drinking lots of water (and even eating a bit), so she should be just fine in a day or two. The silver lining of this particular cloud was, while Olivia napped much of the day, Liam and I caught up on those much-needed snuggles. That part was very good.

I also got a chance to do some knitting.

That was one of the front parts of Trellis. I say "was" because, just a few rows after this picture was taken, I bound off for the armhole and realized that my numbers didn't add up. More precisely, two stitches were missing, and had been the whole time. Again: rrrriiiiiiiiiiiiip.

My relationship with this sweater is becoming a tad antagonistic. First the gauge problems, then the ripple effect of the bottom edges (I'd even read about the issue and how to fix it just a couple of weeks earlier*), and now my own stupidity is coming between us. But I've cast on again, counted the stitches four times, and am still hopeful for an adorable sweater.

Fern is still coming along too. When the warm weather hit I confess I cast it aside for a while, but I worked on it a bit after the sad frogging today. The back and one sleeve are done and I'm about half-way up one side of the front.

I'm just not sure I'm crazy about those ruffles now that I've seen them in real life.

But could someone please explain this to me?

"You are pink aluminum. Retro, straightforward and fun, you love classic things. If they're 99 cents at Goodwill all the better! You are moved by striking colors and tasty morsels, and you like a stitch-n-bitch session in the sun. Just remember, while you're being kitschy cool, don't get too cold. Ice cubes are best kept in your cocktails, baby!"

Look, I am a complete and utter yarn and needle snob, but I did that quiz about three times (with different answers, obviously) and each time it firmly stuck me in the pink aluminum category. But I always asked for a soy chai (it was just so right), so can someone please tell me how soy chai and pink aluminum go together? Humph.

Anyway, back to the sweeties. Here's Olivia a couple of days ago, when she decided to decorate herself with anything that would fit over her head.

And here's Liam today, freshly cuddled.

*My process for starting a new project is always the same: find something I covet, search internet for finished products and any errata or caveats, purchase yarn, start project (although sometimes there may be a huge window between the purchase and the starting, during which time things sometimes go amiss). Trellis was all impulse. I wanted a new project NOW, so I just printed the pattern on the way out the door to the yarn store and cast on when I got home. Lesson learned. Again.

Not My Proudest Moment

Warning: all matter of disgusting and disturbing stuff is discussed here. Today might be a good day to keep surfing.

I should have known that today was going to hell in a handbasket when the cat threw up while the kids and I were eating breakfast. It's never a good day when the cat throws up. Although, on the plus side, I didn't discover the cat puke by stepping in it.

Today was supposed to be a good day. Jenn and I planned to pack picnic lunches and troop out to the park (with the kids, of course) for a few hours. We planned this because I always assume the weather will be the same as it was the day before, which, in this case, was 70 degrees. But amazingly it was cold and rainy today. So no park. As a backup plan, we hung out at Jenn's for a while and then headed to the Horrible Place (McDonald's) for lunch and playtime.

Unexpectedly, about halfway through lunch, Olivia threw up. Granted, she wasn't inhaling her french fries as she normally would, but she did chomp a bit on an apple slice and I didn't notice that anything was wrong until it was much much too late.

What could I do but pack everybody up and go home? But Liam had not had any time to explore those McDonald's tunnels, so upon hearing this he promptly burst into tears. Trust me, my heart was not exactly bleeding for him at this point, but Jenn kindly offered to bring him home, so I dumped his booster in her car and took Olivia (sad, stinky, and soaked) home. She immediately fell asleep in the car, stayed asleep (for the most part) as I changed her clothes, and napped for the next three hours.

Fast forward three hours.

Liam had been delivered and had been wanting to play in his room for a while, but I wouldn't let him because he isn't exactly quiet and Olivia needed her rest. So the second she woke up, he bolted upstairs. Olivia was clingy, so I got her a sippy cup with a little water in it and we cuddled on the sofa. She immediately chugged the water. (There's a touch of foreshadowing there; see it?)

Now, Liam has been having some toilet training issues ever since my mom entered the hospital and the stress level in our house has skyrocketed (actually, it may have started before that - maybe when I went back to the Scotia in January). Specifically, he won't use the damn potty for poo. Since he still wears a pull-up at night, usually he just takes advantage of that first thing each morning. But not today.

So you know where this is going, don't you? Olivia threw up the water all over herself, me, and the sofa. She of course started to cry, which caused Liam, now naked from the waist down, to appear at the top of the stairs and declare that Olivia should, "stop being noisy."

Liam is half-naked because Liam is a mess. Not because of the accident he obviously had, but because he attempted to clean it all up by himself. There is poo entirely everywhere in the bathroom, including the floor, cabinets, garbage pail (oh, that's where the undies went), and a spot on the wall where he must have leaned over.

Unfortunately, my patience is a bit lacking right now. Normally I believe that yelling should be reserved for running-into-traffic-type emergencies, and I especially know that yelling is counter-productive when a small boy is suffering from stressed-induced potty regression. But I yelled anyway. Stuff like, "What are you doing?" and "You need to tell me!" and "Never put poo in the garbage!" Not good.

And you know what that sweet little guy said back (through his tears), "Mommy, you're hurting my feelings!"

Truly there is a special place in hell with my name on it.

Finally, Some Warmth Around Here

After such a crappy, snowbound winter, Denver is finally getting those freakishly hot days that we residents expect from time to time (and, frankly, deserve). The temperature this week has been hovering around seventy, so we're outside every chance we can get.

Poor Liam doesn't even have any spring clothes yet, so he was a mite bit hot in those pants. But Olivia! Little Olivia! Tell me it isn't fun to dress a little girl? Tiered skirt, embroidered shirt, and espadrilles! Espadrilles! Okay, I know, deep breath....calm down.

And, since they're both good about staying in the front yard (Olivia, for example, gets down on her hands and knees to back off the curb, giving me lots of fair warning), I had some time to work on this:

That's Trellis. I'm making the largest size, in the called-for All Season's Cotton. And it's been a bit frustrating so far. Since the gauge swatch was to be done in the cable pattern, I did what anyone would do (assuming everyone's as lazy as I am) and cast on for the back, just to see how it would all turn out. Right away I could see that the seed stitch part was about three inches too wide, but I forged ahead, just in case the cables pulled it all together. They did, a bit, but it was still very very wrong. Rrrrrriiiiiiiiiiip. So now I'm working it on #6/4 mm needles and it's much better. Still about 1/2 inch too wide at the cabley bits (you can see the seed stitch bottom is a bit wavey because it's much wider), but I'm hoping I can fudge it all so it will come out okay in the end. It's such a cute sweater, it better turn out okay.