On Faith

First of all, I do understand my posts have been a bit random lately. I know that when you show up here you never know if you'll see a baby in a hand-knit sweater or hear about a funeral. I'm sorry about that. I will tell you that I'm not expecting anyone else to die any time soon (that's a poor little joke, isn't it?). At the same the healing isn't anywhere near over yet.

I guess I need to figure out what this blog is about. I used to focus this writing on my kids since my mom read the blog - after all, its founding purpose was to keep distant family in touch - and I didn't want to upset her with details like my worry for her or Mark loosing his job (that was a while ago - he has another one now). But now this blog is becoming more like me, and I guess I'm a bit random. Well, my life is a bit chaotic at the moment. I expect it will settle down soon.

Anyway, about healing: I am not a person to whom faith comes easily. Or even at all. At least, not since I defiantly declared at fifteen that I was an atheist. I can't remember why (a trend amongst my peers maybe?), but it fit. And then I became more comfortable with agnostic, and that's where I've been ever since. Not believing in a single religous thing, but unwilling to commit.

My mom used to tell me that I would believe in God once I had my first child and I realized that such a perfect little being couldn't possibly come from my own body without help from a higher power. And Liam was born and I instantly fell in love, but no lightning bolt of faith hit. I was perfectly okay with that. I'm a science kind of girl. Not necessarily a "I believe in what I can see" person, but definately on the side of provable facts (including those on the life of Jesus, before any spin was put on it). Although when Liam asked recently where he came from, I had a hard time claiming all the credit for making him "in my tummy." The question really caught me off-guard and I obviously need to figure out what I believe before I can teach Liam and Olivia.

It isn't easy to be faithless. And it is tough when someone you love dies and you don't believe that they're safe in heaven, waiting for you to join them. So once Mom was sick, and I knew it was going to be tough, I really really tried to get some faith. Just a bit, so that I could carry on after my mom was gone.

And let me tell you, I tried. I read books. I soul searched. And I even went to a class on faith at my friend's church (they have such things). The people in that class looked at me with big eyes and greeted me with open arms (literally - I got hugged a lot). One of the teachers was a seminary student, so I asked him questions that I have always struggled with and he honestly and ernestly answered me.* But in the end, he said, some of the more difficult questions just require a little bit of faith. And that I didn't have.

Then Mom died. And so many good things - little and big - happened right after her death and I suddenly began to attribute them to her. Things like my friend Chantel, who never ever reads the obituaries (who does at 31), reading them on the day of Mom's wake. And even things like Mom's friend Jim getting the last plane before a storm on the day of her funeral. I honestly think that I could not handle the thought of her no longer being a force in the world. So maybe I got some faith as a survival technique.

For me having faith is still harder than not. It's totally irrational; I still have my doubts about God, that hasn't changed, but I feel like Mom is out there somewhere. Not just her "energy" or her being returned to nature or whatever, but the force that was Mom.

So now good things are happening to Jenn too. Amazing things, and there's more to come, I'm sure. She's never had a problem with faith, so this doesn't surprise her. As for me, I guess we'll see if this is just coping or if it will last.

I promise, there will be a baby in a sweater tomorrow.

* The other students in the class were mostly very sweet with me, although a few did begin to loose patience. Easpecially when I joked that "God Bless America" made no sense because why would God care about arbitrary political borders? That I would even form such a thought utterly flabbergasted the man sitting next to me.

Comments

[stefaneener]

Oh, Katherine. Last night, I said to my spouse, "So, there's this blogger I wish lived here because I think she and I would so get along," and he gave me one of those "should I call the nice men now or in five minutes" look. . . well, I'm just not going to tell him about this.

If you decide that you really really have to come and visit the Bay Area, just let me know, okay?

[Kari]

Have faith in the good, you don't need to call it God :)

[Nicholas Beaverhousen]

I have faith that I will see a baby in a sweater in tomorrow's post.

[Holly Jo]

You have faith that good will happen. You have faith in your family. You have faith in the people who support you, like friends you have dinner with. In the end, you believe in a lot. :)