Yesterday

Yesterday was the first anniversary of my mom's death. Tough day. Tough month, actually. As the day approached I found the back of my mind focused more and more on Mom: specifically where she was this time last year and what I was doing. Apparently the back of my mind is normally used for other things as the past few weeks have been full of bewildering mistakes. I showed up for one appointment at the correct place and correct hour, but an entire week early. I tried to take another parents' bag from Liam's preschool (eek). And I scheduled a delivery for the 28th and waited around for it all last Thursday.

But I think that this anniversary has been especially difficult (as opposed to, say, her birthday or Christmas) because I find myself focusing more on Mom's death than her life. I think about the volunteer from the music school who sang lullabies to Mom on her last day, I think about the comfort Mom gave my brother in that last week, I think about the things I said the last time I spoke to her (lots of lasts, huh?). And yesterday I watched the clock all day. These are not regretful things, but they are painful nonetheless.

And you know, this whole grieving process has gone quite differently than I thought it would. I thought I would be very very sad, and nothing but sad, for a long while. Then it would begin to get better, slowly but evenly, until one day I would emerge into the light... Yeah. Well. Little did I know that I would actually laugh on the day she died, that the funeral would be as uplifting as it was unbearably painful, and that I would miss Mom today even more than I did in that foggy shock of a year ago. Yet, ever so slowly, healing is happening. For example, for a long time I could only picture Mom as she was in her last days: puffy from medication, expressionless (because of the tumors), with only a few wisps of hair remaining. But now I can remember her as she used to be. That is an enormous comfort; I was worried those memories wouldn't come back. I also felt very supported yesterday, and that is a great comfort too.

So over the next few days I will probably continue to think about the specifics of last year, the funeral in particular, but I did wake up this morning feeling some relief that the 26th is behind me.

Comments

[Kate]

I'm approaching the 1 year anniversary of my brother's death, and have been thinking about it more and more. I'm glad you found some comfort in yesterday and all the memories you have, and that the older memories have stayed with you (instead of just the last ones). Here's hoping it continues to comfort and support you.

[Monica]

My grandfather has been gone for almost 5 years now, but the month of October will forever be changed by his untimely death.

That is wonderful that you found comfort in your memories of her. I will keep you in my prayers and ask God to give you peace. (((hugs)))

[Holly Jo]

I imagine you will always miss your mom at unexpected moments. I am glad your older memories of your mom are overcoming the experiences of the last days of her life - what a long strange trip grief is.

[stefaneener]

Oh, hugs. There really is no way except through, huh? I'm so glad your good memories are coming back. you have been changed -- no wonder you have stuff going on all the time. Best thoughts.

[Karma]

Love.

[Jody]

Reading that was like reliving my own experiences after my mom died. I remember all of that. Go give the kids and Mark a hug.

[Jim]

Yesterday, was a day that I spent thinking of Karen, I took the day off work - partially due to illness but also to remember her. In my Cree culture we usually have a feast for the dead, so yesterday I set a place for Karen at my table, I burnt sage and prepared a meal (Teriaki pork chops and veggies)I served and talk to Karen as if she was there, it was a good to do. After supper, I prepared a pipe, the one we had shared before, the one I used to pray with, for her. I had a fire in my fire pit and offered Karen's food to the fire and I lit the pipe and meditated on her. I had a great vision, I saw her dancing and I was filled with a joy that tingled my spine and brought forth tears. Like you, I think for the first time since that fateful day I have finally seen her without the cancer and have been given an image I can carry forth from here on. Thanks for sharing Katherine.

[sue]

Slowly all the good memories will return. I think with the shock of her death it will take a long time to deal with it. I dont think anyone ever comes to terms with losing a loved one, they just learn to live without them. I hope you have a much better day today, and think of all the good times you had with her too.

[Daphne]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I feel like don't know enough about anything to offer this kind of advice but I trust the advice of others here.

[Nadine]

I've only now read the funeral post, and it is so lovely, and I feel the need to go hug everyone who makes eye contact with me. Do you always have that effect on everyone? Thank you, Katherine.

[Kristin]

I'm sorry for your loss Katherine. I'm glad that you have been remembering your mom before she was sick though.

[rita]

You expressed the feelings so well. I find myself doing the very same thing on anniversaries of sad things, especially the first, then suddenly I feel free to remember the good things, to go on.

Bless you.